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14th of June, 2021



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iPad? Why are you giggling? Oh, grow up...


The iPad! You probably hate it, but I don’t really care. That’s one sweet-ass piece of kit, and will look great next to my 4 iPods, 3 Macs, and gold-framed picture of Steve Jobs’s scrotum that I have on my nightstand.

There was no way this thing was going to live up to the pre-release hype that everybody but Apple created around it. I have no idea what people were expecting, but a gigantic goddamn iPhone apparently wasn’t it. And how in the world is anybody surprised that this thing doesn’t have Flash support? It is a gigantic goddamn iPhone. iPhones don’t have Flash; iPods don’t have Flash; they both run iPhone OS. All Flash means to me is a crashy browser that locks up my sound card (damn you, Linux).

What I’m still trying to figure out, though, is how this thing is supposed to be synced up to your desktop machine or laptop. There’s no way you can use it for a main computer: There is no file management that I’ve seen, and you can only run one app at a time. Also, using iTunes is bad enough on OS X, but on the iPhone OS it’s just a miserable user experience; just try adding podcast subscriptions without at some point wanting to throw your touchy device through the floor.

So, you’re going to lug this thing around, and then stick it into a dock on your desktop (at which point it becomes an enormous, expensive digital picture frame, apparently) and watch your content sync over. One assumes this happens via iTunes.

Also, just how connected is this new little gadget going to be?

  • what about media streaming? Is it going to work with Apple’s other stuff, like AirTunes?
  • and Home Sharing?
  • Is it going to be realistic that I load my photos directly into it without spreading my iPhoto library everywhere?
  • Will I be able to copy PDFs over and read them?
  • Will I be able to keep a local file repository for iWork?

I imagine the answers to all these questions will be yes, and I can’t wait to play around with this thing for the first time. I’ll probably head up to Regent Street Apple Store and punch some grandma in the face because she’s trying to buy the last one. This ain’t for you, you old bag, this is a man’s ‘Pad.

But didn’t Steve look miserable during the keynote? I realize that he’s in organ shutdown since a couple of years ago, but c’mon Steve, sell that shit. He looked bored to be up there, delivering this Magical Device. I’ll probably be the only one who buys it; but honestly, that’s AOK by me. It will be a fine Couch Edition for my beloved iPod Touch.

I can’t wait to hear my girlfriend bitch when I read books after lights-out on this 400 megawatt handheld TV.


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