1. Who the hell do you think you are?



I am the all-being, master of space, time and dimension. And I live in Europe.





2. So, other than blogging, what’s your job? Do you work at some fast food joint, dumbass?



I am a self-employed designer, programmer, writer, and network administrator. Fast food joints pay better.



3. Do you have like any experience in journalism, idiot?



I am, hilariously enough, a book critic for a local magazine. That cracks me up.



4. Do you even read newspapers?



In Europe, you don’t ‘read’ newspapers. You turn to page three and look at tits, the way God intended.



5. Do you watch any other news than FOX News propaganda, you ignorant fool?



I don’t get Fox. In fact, I don’t have a television. I used to have a television in my old apartment, but there were never more than three channels that came in, and they were always showing cheese documentaries.



6. I bet you’re some moron talk radio listener too, huh?



I have no car, and thus no radio. I listen to 80s trash on my iPod sometimes, though.



7. So, do you get a fax from the GOP each day for what to say, you @#$% Republican parrot?



No, I get my marching orders per email.



8. Why do you and your blogger friends want to silence and fire everyone who disagrees with you, fascist?



Because they disagree with us, and it’s unpleasant when people agree with us. Get me?



9. Are you completely ignorant of other countries, or do you actually own a passport?



See 1.



10. Have you even been to another country, you dumb hick?



See 1. I went to Belgium once, too. I think that’s in Europe, too, but they talk all funny.



11. If you’re so keen on the war, why haven’t you signed up, chickenhawk?



Because I am what the kids today would call a ‘pussy’.



12. Do you have any idea of the horrors of war? Have you ever reached into a pile of goo that was your best friend’s face?



No, but this one time I dropped acid, and I reached into a pile of silvery, morphing goo that used to be my best friend’s copy of “Watchmen” (Dave Gibbons, Alan Moore). Very unnerving.



13. Have you ever reached into any pile of goo?



Yes. While making veggie burgers, you’ll spend about 15-30 minutes with your hands in a big pile of lentils, mashing them into a sort of yellow-brown paste that smells like the breath of Satan with curry-powder for effect. Then, you stuff the lentils into a plastic bag and lay them on the patient’s chest to avoid contamination, and calmly administer morphine while waiting for a medic.



14. Once again, who the hell do you think you are?!”



I...I don’t remember. I used to be taller and better-looking. And funny. Now, I’m going bald on my left leg and can’t think of anything to say.



Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get down to the immigration office and get my residence application turned down.





Via Ravnwood