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15th of April, 2024



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Getting Back in the Groove (was: Demon Alcohol)

So, I’m sitting around the apartment, and figured I’d do a little blogging.  It seemed like something better to do than spending hours slo-mo’ing through old Star Wars movies looking for nip-slips.

So, anyways, yeah, right, Demon Alcohol.  I’ve oft heard it said that alcohol brings out the truth in people.  I don’t agree with that.  It removes the cautious part of your nature, and impairs your sense of decorum.  We men, when drinking, revert back to our brainstem-driven ids when inebriated.  We wrap ourselves in lechery like a comfortable, worn-out old pair of jeans. Slapping asses becomes somehow irresistible; it just seems like an expected, natural part of the social process.  Even the pudgy ol’ bar wenches aren’t safe from the wandering hands of otherwise decent, mild-mannered gentlemen, who are probably librarians or, God bless ‘em, tollbooth collectors by day.  But that’s certainly nothing new to anyone who would read a page called You Bitch.

No, I’m not here to talk about the effects of alcohol on men.  I’m here to talk about what happens to members of the weaker sex.  Men may do some stupid things in the haze, but some things that women do leave me dumbstruck.  For example, when my doorbell rings at 3:00AM.  This happens more often than you’d think, and is almost always one drunk girl or another.  Ahh, the single life.   Unfortunately for me, it’s usually the strange, pot-smoking, “18” year old  neighbor, hitting me up for spaghetti sauce.  I usually give it up, even though my current financial situation leaves me with about two packets of spaghetti sauce per week as my sole source of calories.  What can I say, I’m a saint.  Wednesday night, however, it wasn’t the neighbor, it was my girlfriend who rang the doorbell at 3:00AM.  Deeee-runk.  Blotto.  Cooder Brown, she was.  No, I don’t know about most guys, but when I show up drunk at my S.O.’s place at 3 in the morning,  it’s not to check the meter, except maybe in some clumsy metaphorical sense.

So, I’d had a couple of beers myself, at a separate location, and I figured we’re on the same wavelength.  But women are different, and can be difficult to read.  I cajoled her with tales of travel; I plied her with extravagant promises, such as introducing her to Acidman, whom I’ve never met, and judging by some of his recent posts, probably won’t get a chance to.  But, women being what they are, drunk or no, she resisted my advances.  Turns out, she had her own ideas.  At some point she told me to go to bed and wait for her there.  “Oh yeah”, I stimulus-responsed, “this is the life”.  After a while, I think I fell asleep.  At any rate, my girlfriend, who was indeed drunk in case I haven’t mentioned it yet, managed to invent food in my kitchen.  There was no food, none.  I can vouch for that fact.  There were noodles, yes, but the neighbors had already nationalized any sort of noodle-sauce there might have been.  There were some “vegetables” in the refrigerator, but only for show, and certainly nothing identifiable by phylum.   Nevertheless, she managed to concoct some sort of delicious, fiery-hot curry to eat with the noodles.

And then she cleaned my kitchen, and went to sleep.  I’m still not entirely sure what all happened; it’s like some sort of weird dream.  My kitchen looked like the apartment from trainspotting when I went to bed, then my drunk girlfriend shows up at 3 in the morning and cleans it up, cooks dinner, and goes to sleep.








This post was sheer briliance, Kamerad.


Thanks, Flashman. Sometimes cliches are the best responses, to wit: You just can't make shit like this up.

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