Do you ever get the feeling that, just beneath the surface of the visible world, the world which you and I would consider reality, strange forces lurk, forming a sort of world-within-a-world? I didn’t either, honestly. I mean, I’ve seen The Matrix, and I have to admit that their explanation, that a war between man and machine created a 300-year long meta-reality in which mankind is held thrall to a sentient, evil race of machines, would go a long way toward explaining things, like Everybody Loves Raymond.

But I’m not here to take cheapshots at non-threatening TV shows. I’m here to tell you that everything you’ve sensed, everything you’ve feared about meta-reality complex is true. I know this, because I’ve discovered a blind spot, a bubble in the Matrix. I’ve discovered a gathering place in the Internet where the world’s top engineers, obviously unbeknownst to our bionical slavemasters, continue a discussion which already spans 9000 words, almost 40 pages of calculations and hypotheses.

It’s a discussion about bacon.

Conclusions
Microwaved - The bacon came out extremely crisp throughout both the fat and meat of the bacon. It felt a bit thicker than I expected from a thin cut piece of bacon. Examining the fat collected in the paper towels leads me to believe that very little fat was rendered out in comparison to the pan fry method. The technique is simple and hands free, but a problem that I have is that the paper towel stuck to several of the pieces of bacon. This may have been because I allowed the bacon to rest and drain on the same paper towel it was cooked on. Another issue is the limited number of bacon strips you can cook in a microwave oven at one time (but the time savings probably more than makes up for this).

Pan fried - The bacon felt the thinnest and lightest of the three. The bacon fat was crispy while the meat was slightly chewy. I actually prefer my bacon this way (not totally crunchy and crispy, but with some texture to it), but others may not. All in all, a good method to cook bacon but time consuming.

Broiled - The bacon was burnt in some spots and the meat felt undercooked. The areas need the burns were bitter in taste and the texture was soft and soggy throughout (except for the blackened parts). Not much fat was rendered off either. I would not recommend this technique.

So, microwaving is king if you’re looking for bacon that feels thicker than what you purchased and crunchy throughout. Pan frying is great for a thin, light bacon with a little chew in the meat.

Methodical, thorough, and brilliant. It goes on for pages and pages, with a column of crack scientists discussing the merits and demerits of various bacon-charring technologies. I tremble in horror.

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