Beer doesn’t make you fat. It’s the pretzels. Give it a rest already, fatboy.

The Warsteiner slogan, “eine Königin unter den Bieren” means, “a Queen among beers”, implying a non-flattering relationship to Budweiser.

When trying to sound debonair, please don’t say that Warsteiner is the best german beer. It’s not even the best german beer in America. Löwenbräu is actually very good in Germany, but I don’t remember ever drinking it in the States.

Germans in Rhineland drink beer in little 0.2-liter glasses, which is less than a coffee cup. Further calling their masculinity into question, if you get a Pils in a Rhineland, they put a little paper skirt on it.

In Austria, you get a long pint(0.5-liter), which is called “a half-beer”.

A “Radler” is a 1:1 mixture of Helles Bier with Limo, which is pretty much Sprite. A Radler is also German slang for a cyclist.

The best German beers come from Bavaria. Warsteiner is a german Pils, which is a Czech type of beer.

In Europe, the Czechs have a better reputation as beer-brewers than the Germans.

Indeed, not all german beers are good. Altbier, favored in Düsseldorf and the surrounding areas, tastes like rancid pus. Astra, the favored brand in Hamburg, tastes like Miller Lite from a can. Horrible stuff.

PBR has more alcohol than most german beers; about the same as Pils. But it has no taste at all, that I can discern.

The best Pils is Pilsner Urquell, so I am told, and it is mighty tasty. Pilsner Urquell on tap in a Czech back-alley pivnice is the quintessential beer-drinking experience.

For a real treat, try Kaltenberger Helles, if you can find it. This is, indeed, the Best German Beer.

Other good German beers are Schwarzbräu Exquisit, Augusta Bräu, and Burgerbräu.

Beer snobbery is stupid and unoriginal. Not all American beers are bad. Budweiser, for example, is a very good beer for hot weather, or after athletics. For the price, it’s probably the best American beer going. It’s got its own ricy flavor, and no bad aftertaste. And it’ll get you drunk. Good ‘n’ drunk. Blotto.

Absinthe tastes like Ben-Gay smells.

Whiskey is a good alternative to beer.

Jack Daniels is not bad, and it’s also not bourbon.

Wild Turkey is a good bourbon.

Getting drunk on expensive scotch makes you look like an ignorant prole who just got paid and wants to impress people. Get drunk on Wild Turkey to show you have real class.

When you’re drunk on whiskey, you’re not as clumsy and incoherent as with beer.

Whiskey-dick, however, is no myth.

If you’re a fast drinker like I am, mix whiskey 1:3 with water. But make sure it’s tap water, as whiskey doesn’t mix well with mineral water.

cribbed from my Fark profile