You Bitch!
26th of September, 2018

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Ping: My Speech for the Daily Meeting, Friday


[are you there?]

yes


There’s a lot to be said for good work habits. At least that’s what I’ve heard, mostly from people who have good work habits, and also have, perhaps not coincidentally, fairly recent iPods. It’s hard to balance abject sloth and material greed, I’ve found, so at some point you just try to find the path of least suffering. Just give a smile on the sidewalk to some girl who’s trying so hard to make an impression. You don’t have to express your loathing each and every minute to the untermenschen that you are forced by God and man to walk past when all you really want is to get from point A to point B to take the money from party C. Party C understands that you’re not there to talk about the weather, but it’s protocol, so just fuckin’ do it.


Good work habits are more than just Knowing Your Shit. Good work habits include getting out of bed before noon, whether you have to or not [glance at Andy]; not masturbating in front of customers [glance at Thomas]; coming within 4 significant digits of your proposed budget [glance in mirror]; using your spellchecker when norms will be reading; and, last but not least, not fucking the co-ops [no glance necessary].


Good work habits involving knowing your product, and know when not to bend your customer over a barrel, which does occasionally make sense. Call your mother every now and then; do your paperwork; and for God sakes, stop using the fucking copier to make visuals of your goddam buttocks. I know this is all very difficult for you scrubs, but please, do make an effort: We’re in this game to win. Now get out there and kick some ASS!

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