You Bitch!
10th of December, 2018

About

Rube

An Advanced and Magical Blogger at an Unbelievable Price!

Latest Comments

Sturm

Drang

Broodlings

G'scheits - German Blogging

Archives

2003
Mar
2003
Apr May Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec
2004
Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun
Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec
2005
Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun
Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec
2006
Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun
Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec
2007
Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec
2008
Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun
Jul Sep Oct Nov Dec
2009
Jan Feb Apr May Jul
2010
Jan Feb Mar Apr Jun
Sep Nov
2011
Jan Oct
2012
Feb Jul Sep
2013
Jan Apr
2014
Mar
2015
Jun
Nov Dec
2016
Jul

Septicemia Daydreams


Oh, I’m droolin’ here. Sam gives us the enviable role of doing exactly what we want with a comment/trackback spammer, without fear of retribution. Normally, I’d say turn him over to the police for a hitherto non-existing statutory transgression that will bring nothing, seeing as the perp more than like lives in a country whose name consists of 17 letters, not one of which is a vowel. So let’s think outside the box for a minute.


First, you take a 12-foot length of 400lb fishing line. The you put a mess of fish-hooks on one end of it, and a ping-pong ball tied on the other end. Now, you take your subject and remove all his teeth, or at least the upper incisors. Then, you bind his hands behind his back, and lay him face down, naked, on your basement floor. You take the ping-pong ball, and force him to swallow it.


There’s some funny things about the human body. One of those funny things is peristalsis, which is the process by which things are moved along the intestines ‘til they get to the business end. Seeing as the human digestive tract is about 24 feet long on average, and needs about 5 hours for a complete tour, your subject will have about two and a half hours to watch that roll of fishing line unravel, and the fish-hooks travel towards his maw. There will be a lot of comic relief during this period, seeing as he’ll be trying desperately to chew through the fishing wire with his gums, but this stage is all about anticipation.


Once the hooks get inside, the subject will have another 2 and a half hours to contemplate exactly what it feels like as his own body’s muscular contractions pull a handful of fishhooks through his alimentary canal, and into his large intestine. The pain will be excruciating, but that’s irrelevant, as this is a dead man walking. Well, a dead man laying toothless and naked on a cold concrete floor with a gut full of fishhooks, but we’ve all been there, now, haven’t we. Once the intestinal wall is breached to any significant extent, the poisons there will flow out into the abdominal cavity, condemning all the vital organs to a slow, toxic death, and the host to death by septicemia.


At this point, the innkeeper can go for the quick thrill, letting the subject’s small intestine take over, with its quicker peristaltic pace, raking the hooks 12 feet behind, leaving the subject screaming in agony until his inevitable death through internal blood loss. Or, if he has the time and/or patience, he can take the subject to a secluded parking lot, toss him out, and call an ambulance. There’s no helping him, of course, but it will be amusing to watch him mutate into a swollen, jaundiced, piss-smelling monster while paying $5000 a minute for all manner of dialysis and blood-purification procedures, all of which will not stop the fact that his liver and kidneys have been handed down the death penalty. This could go on for six to eight months, and never ceases to amuse.


I’m a quick-thrill kind of person, myself, but to each their own.

Comments

Sam

You're in a solid first place. That is some sick shit. I like it.

Hope you are well...Hi to Anna...

Eric

.. no fate is too horrible for them.. but by the way.. I saw Anna's twin in Chattanooga yesterday.. I almost walked up and said "hello" except that the Bubba she was with already knew I was armed... as soon as they left the aquarium, his eyes followed me... bastard... Anna's twin sister is alive, well, and married to a redneck in Chattanooga, TN.. the poor lass..

... just give me a call if you wish for me to attempt a rescue mission....

Jim - PRS

I was considering responding to Sam's invitation, but after reading this, mine would have been downright tame.

When we finally get our hands on Osama, I hope someone invites you to play.

StinKerr

Genius, sheer frappin' genius and elegant in its simplicity.

Steven

Jesus Christ dude, that's sick....but I kinda like it.... LOL Not only would this be good for Osama Bin Hide'n, but Lawyers and politicians would look great with this arrangement. I leave their teeth in prior to the ping pong ball installation, only to kick them down their throat with my size 12 steeltoed boots. AHHhhh, the over glorification of mt imagination takes me back.....

Thanks

Leave a Comment

    • This field is required.
    • This field is required.
    • This field is required.
  • Comments use Markdown syntax. HTML may be stripped. Preview is your friend.
  • Akismet