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20th of April, 2019



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Happy New Year!

It’s 2004 already. Fortunately, the next pithy date won’t show up until 2010, when Arthur C. Clarke predicted that we’d finally learn the secret of the monolith from B-List actors Helen Mirren and Roy Scheider, and find life on the Jovian moon Europa. But for now, we can’t even land a robot on Mars without the airbags getting in the way. At least our lander actually landed, instead of turning into what can only be called an unprovoked pre-emptive missile strike against the martians. So, we’ve got a little time to kill before the specials and comparisons start showing up, as they did in 1984 and 2001. Somehow, though, people forgot all about Space: 1999. Not only were we supposed to have moonbases and those cool 4-footed spaceships, we were also supposed to have blown the moon out of orbit and into deep space with a nuclear accident, and found a red-hot-sexy shape-changing skirt named Maya.


As a kid, I always thought it would be awesome if Maya was my girlfriend. Then, I could use my karate powers and she could use her shape-changing abilities as an unbeatable crime-fighting team. Now that I’m older, I can only imaging how our relationship would be. Eventually, she would dump me due to my constantly begging her to change into a 4-breasted woman with a foot-long tongue.

2003 was a very good year. I finally joined the world of the self-employed, for example. That should at least enable me to lose weight in 2004, seeing as I can’t afford two potato chips to rub together. 24 million Iraqis were freed from the tyranny of Saddam Hussein, at the low cost of a few billion barrels of oil and any semblance of sovereignty to the AmeriKKKan oppressors, so that’s good. What else, what else? The U.S. economy kicked back into gear, we nabbed Saddam Hussein, and the Clinton’s started pulling the DNC’s strings in Wesley Clarke’s favor; three things which will undoubtedly conspire to get George Bush re-elected next year, and stave off socialism in the U.S. for yet another 4 years.

There were some sad points, though. My uncle, Scott, died, and I hope his soul is finally in peace: He had a terrible life.

For 2004, I haven’t yet made any resolutions. I plan to take some time this weekend and devote it to seriously setting some goals for this year. It could be a good year for me as well as the world, and I need to take the time for once in my life to make a serious plan and stick to it.

So, y’all get the gears running, get focused, and let’s get out there and kick some ass!



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