I’m at the Old Bar, as I’ll call it, owing to the role it played in my previous residency in this town. Back then, it was a little bohemian bar where you could sit and smoke and block like a man. And I did, pretty much every Sunday night. Starting about 9PM I’d wander in from the cold, plop my laptop or a dog-eared notebook on the table and order a beer. The outcome was predictable, and can be seen oozing down the right-hand gutter of this site, itself a giant gutter.

The Old Bar has changed many times over the last twenty years, as I’ve previously mentioned. The first time I experienced its current incarnation was a bit of a disappointment. I had wandered in with a friend, and was pleasantly surprised to see that at least the old, familiar furniture remained. I have a certain attachment to some of the these tables, having done some of my best work while getting grievously overserved at them.

Taking our seats and waiting on the terrible service (also held over from the old days), my friend became quiet. Looking around nervously, he seemed to be inspecting the other clientele, a worried look starting to paint itself on his face.

“Does everybody look sick and sad to you?” he asked.

Understanding immediately what he was thinking, I looked around frantically until I found a current menu. Ripping it open, I scanned the contents urgently: cafe latte*, milk* chai, salad. I looked down for the asterisk meaning, and had my worst fears confirmed. Goddam bar had gone vegan!

I know, you’re asking yourself: Wut? A vegan bar in Germany?? Afraid so, lads. Despite all the best meat products of the world at their fingertips, these dorks had gone for the Globohomo line. They’ll be serving cricket burgers within 3 years, mark my words.

In the old days, this was a Finnish bar, so they always served shitty food. Who the fuck eats Finnish?