It’s time. After 7 years, I’m leaving Germany. I’ll be flying to England tomorrow for a new job, a new life, and a whole new type of paperwork. Living in a country, you learn the language, the culture, and the people a bit. In England, I don’t even know what you call the water works. I’m sure I’ll learn, but there’s something daunting about moving somewhere, getting an apartment, a driver’s license, a library card, and all the other little things we take for granted. They don’t even have bakeries over there; what am I going to do for bread?

But what am I doing in Germany, anyway? It’s a fair question. So now, I present a little timeline of my years in Germany:

• December 1997 - Selling my shit and saying kiss my ass, America, I move to Europe with my girlfriend, a German lassie whom I met in Atlanta.
• February 1998 - Not speaking the language, not knowing any better, I go for the full-on European experience by buying a Citroen and working as a network support tech for a company in Düsseldorf.
• May 1998 OK, now I speak the language. Man, do Citroens suck.
• July 1998 - I decide that Germany was waaay too cold for me, and decided to move back. Also, Citroens suck. Hard.
• December 1998 - I am convinced by my girlfriend to take a long-term backpacking trip (Weltreise) around Fiji, New Zealand, Australia, Indonesia, and southeast Asia
• August 1999 - Returned safely from my world trip, I decide to stay in Atlanta and get to know my family again.
• December 1999 - Having been reminded that my family is a bunch of toothless, moonshine-chugging waterheads, I decide to move back to Germany with my ex-/re-/new-girlfriend
• New Year 2000 - After celebrating the millennium in Augsburg, we are stalked by a pimply little Italian guy on the way home. My brother, who is visiting, attempts to reason with him, until he pulls out a gun. At which point, my brother takes it out of his hand and beats the fuck out of him with it. The Italian went home with a black eye, a broken foot, and a new respect for Americans. I was, and still am, extremely impressed.
• April 2000 - I start my first job as an immigrant in Augsburg, Germany. My boss is 6‘2”, has orange-tinted sunglasses, is wearing a pith helmet, and whips out an Apple Newton during our interview. I’m not sure which of these things scares me most.
• June 2000 Working ‘round the clock in the German countryside, I drink 4 cases of Bavarian beer with my co-workers. As the clock tolls 12 on my 30th birthday, I tell them all that Germany is a banana republic full of Nazis and everybody can kiss my ass. And I’m stoned on my boss’s weed.
• September 2001 - Sitting in my office, I stare at CNN at 3:00 in the afternoon as the Twin Towers collapse. Everybody in the office avoids me for a week. Especially the little Turkish guy from the graphics department.
• October, 2001 - My girlfriend walks out after an argument, leaving me alone in a 1200 square foot apartment. I’m not sure if this means I’m supposed to move back home now.
• November 2001 - Depressed, feeling fat and unattractive, I start my first blog.
• December 2001 - An attractive young German girl comes home with me after a party, then proceeds to kick my ass at a LAN game of StarCraft and leaves. But first, she drinks all my beer. Love is in the air.
• February 2002 - Germany switches to the Euro. My company moves from an attractive office space in the middle of Augsburg to a dank old warehouse in the countryside. My blogging reaches an all-time high.
• June 2002 - I take my first real vacation, alone. I spend a week in Paris in a 1-star hotel; a week in Aachen; a week in Brussels. I come back weighing 140 lbs. Everyone’s worried, but nobody says anything.
• September 2002 - The company, having shrunk from 40 co-workers to six, is informed that everyone, from the lowest cleaning lady to the highest-paid employee (me), will receive the same monthly wages from this point forward. Rube thinks of the Twentieth Century Motor Corporation.
• September 2002 - Opening my pay stub, I notice that the boss followed through with his threat/promise. I walk out the door without saying goodbye, and never speak to him again.
• December 2002 - The attractive German girl throws a snowball against my window at three in the morning. Apparently, this is some sort of traditional Bavarian courting ritual. Love is in the air.
• March 2003 - I get a roommate, a skinny little architect who rearranges everything in my enormous apartment into perfect little rows.
• May 2003 - Mom visits and spends a week. The roommate convinces her I’m gay.
• October 2003 - My grandfather dies. On 12 hours notice, I book a flight and drink an entire bottle of Jack. Granddaddy would’ve wanted it that way.
• November 2003 - Being the fast-mover that I am, I finally make a formal offer of togetherness to the cute Bavarian girl. Offer accepted; there was much rejoicing.
• January 2004 - I get tired of looking for work, and become self-employed.
• March 2004 - Flush with cash from government subsidies, I buy my first Macintosh: A PowerBook G4.
• June 2004 - First quarter of self-employedness over, I realize that taxes in Germany are in-fucking-sane!
• November 2004 - The German version of the IRS shuts down all my accounts. My heat gets shut off. I actually use my oven to heat big plates of metal to 250°C, which I stick under my blankets before I go to bed. A low point.
• December 2004 - Landlady kicks me out of my apartment; I move in with the snowball/starcraft girl. It’s probably more than she bargained for.
• April 2005 - I bring the StarCraft girl to America, hoping that the land of my provenance will distract her from the fact that we are living together in a 200 sq. ft. studio apartment.
• April 2005 - I bring the StarCraft girl to the Wreckyll in Jeckyll. Inexplicably, she doesn’t call the police.
• July 2005 - I find a great customer who’ll give me a steady income. Almost like having a job again.
• November 2005 - Having lots of money again, we move into a new apartment.
• December 2005 - Mom visits again. Hopefully, bizarre noises from bedroom help to convince her that architect roommate was full of shit.
• May 2006 - My visa for Germany expires. I am somewhat lax about renewing it.
• June 2006 - Acidman dies of internal bleeding due to stomach ulcers. Fuck.
• October 2006 - My mentor, Ken, dies of internal bleeding from a car accident. Fuck.
• December 2006 - Large international Linux firm calls from England, and offers me a job.
• February 2007 - Having decided to take the job, I inform my friends and customers they can, starting 1. April 2007, kiss my ass. I think Ken would be proud.
• March 2007 - Realizing that I can’t move to England without renewing my German visa, I decide to (finally) do just that.
• April 2007 - Selling my shit and saying kiss my ass, Germany, I move to England with my girlfriend, a German lassie whom I met in a Dot-Com startup in Augsburg, Germany.

A new phase begins tomorrow. I’m as anxious as anyone to see how it turns out.