Could somebody please tell me why, for the love o’ God, everybody in the world has a hard-on for Stanley Kubrick? The WordPress theme you’re looking at is named after him. I can’t even read an Open Source Meganerd Article without getting a gushing ejaculative on who “the Best Director ever” was. Looky here, Poindexter: Stick to what you know and keep the tangents down to a minimum.

Let’s take a look at Stanley’s oeuvre, shall we? (courtesy of IMDB)

Eyes Wide Shut (1999)
Sucked. Legend has it, Kubrick wasn’t director enough to coax good performances out of the two biggest stars in Hollywood, Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise. A fitting end to an overrated, over-played career.

Full Metal Jacket (1987)
Sucked. The script is world-class, but the music, editing, and pacing of the movie (aka direction) were all off. The acting is also terrible.

The Shining (1980)
One of the only movies of Kubrick’s that I actually like, and that’s just because Jack Nicholson is a maniac. I mean, get a load of the music! And who the hell casted this movie? Shelly Duvall?! Talk about watching one man carry an entire production on his back, you can just see Nicholson rolling his eyes every time somebody besides him speaks.

Barry Lyndon (1975)
Never heard of it.

A Clockwork Orange (1971)
Another premium example of Kubrick’s failure as a director. Terrible lighting, terrible acting (except for the always-excellent Aubrey Morris as Mr. Deltoid), horrifyingly bad art direction, lousy special effects, and the abject dumbing-down of an awesome story by Anthony Burgess. It shows how Kubrick never could keep his actors in line when a B-list palooka like Malcolm McDowell could walk all over him like he did in this overrated sleazefest.

2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
Ugh. Gack! The movie that epitomizes the lemming-like fascination people have with Kubrick. This is one of three movies I’ve walked out of after paying money to see it; the other two were Kill Bill vol. 1, and Chariots of Fire. Boringest, longest, most overwrought pile of self-important static camera shots ever produced. The only good thing about this movie is that it inspired the opening scene to History of the World, Pt. 1.

Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)
This is a funny movie, but only because of Peter Sellers. George C. Scott got so absolutely fucked by Kubrick that he died hating the man, almost 40 years later. In the DVD version, it’s explained that Scott’s performance was so blatantly over-the-top (just watch the “Blast-off!” scene near the beginning) because of Kubrick: He shot each of Scott’s scenes three times, one comical, one subdued, and one so ridiculously overdone that it could never be put into the movie. At least, that’s how it was explained to the actor. During editing, Kubrick decided to put in only the overacted takes. It almost ruined Scott’s career, which was a lot more impressive than Mr. Best Director Ever’s.

Lolita (1962)
Yawn. How do you make a boring movie out of a hot young teenage girl crushing on a frustrated, vulnerable older man? Why, just ask Mr. Best Director Ever!

Spartacus (1960)
Typical late 50s gladiator movie. Memorable only for the fact that Kirk Douglas is the biggest badass of all time.

Paths of Glory (1957)
It’s OK. Kirk Douglas is the usual badass. If you want to see this movie done well, check out the Tales From the Crypt episode Yellow. Basically the same story, also starring Douglas, but with better directing by hack horror goon Robert Zemeckis.

Kubrick was an egotistical journeyman director who coasted to fame on the backs of Kirk Douglas and Peter Sellers; two actors who even Mr. Best Director Ever couldn’t dominate into acting like high school drama fags. He was just another overrated blowhard, with one or two halfway-decent movies and an army of posers trying to make a god out of him, to the greater glory of mediocre artist-wannabes everywhere.

You want to know who the actual best director ever was? Here’s a list of people whose jocks Kubrick wouldn’t be director enough to carry, take your pick:

The Coen Brothers, Alfred Hitchcock, Ridley Scott, Francis Ford Coppola, David Fincher, John Huston. That’s what a good director looks like.

Technorati Tags: 2001, kubrick, a clockwork orange