My grandfather was a moonshiner, and a gunrunner. It was a hobby which would cost him his freedom for a spell, fostered by the same circumstances which gave us Bonnie and Clyde. During the Great Depression, when Reconstruction had finally run its course and moved on to the Great Failed Government Program Retirement Home in the sky, the American South looked a lot like present-day Iraq. To think that my grandfather actually supported his family running ordnance to outlaws in Tennessee boggles my mind, honestly. That illicit weaponry provided a thriving marketplace in 1930s America is a testament to the overall uncertainty and political climate that must have scared the bejesus out of honest folk like myself.

This was pre-World War II Earth, a place where horrors like the Holocaust and international Communism were not only possible, but inevitable. Henry Ford, who many consider a great American, was writing essays on the dangers of International Jewry, and it seemed harmless, sensible even. That was changed by the Nazis.

The path of Nazism was first through envy, then hate. Envy gave Hitler and his Socialist party hold on Germany. The workers’ envy of the rich, of the powerful, of the French even. He promised the everyday man that he could be a prince, in return for control of his thoughts. With that power, he transformed his hate into a real bureaucratic system, which begat the Holocaust.

With this argument, I believe I make a sound case the we should once again legalize hate speech. Now, I realize this isn’t one of your better bumper stickers, “Legalize Hate Speech”. “Visualize World Bitchiness” doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue, either. And Lord knows, we’re never going to get anywhere until we have a bumper sticker, or at the very least a web badge, that will appeal to the “Free Mumia” crowd.

We should legalize hate speech, seeing as it provides an essential service, especially to those who aren’t clear on what things they should hate. In its place, we should outlaw envy. Envy crimes should carry an exorbitant sentence. Capital punishment for envy-driven libel, for example. And not just any execution; I’m talking bring back drawing and quartering, live on CNN.