You know, I’m getting sick and tired of all these towel-heads getting the good press. Do you think that Mohammedans are the only people who can hoot and holler and burn stuff? Cracka Pleez! I hereby call forth a hillbilly jihad on the following transgressors:

1. Warner Bros., for their insensitive, tasteless ridiculing of Southern sensibilities and history with that abomination of a show, The Dukes of Hazzard. This cut runs deep. It reduced one of our greatest historical figures’ name to a car with a weird-ass sounding horn that even a Mexican wouldn’t be caught dead with. Just check out this Google search result, and tell me the damage isn’t already done. What’s the number one hit for “General Lee”?

The case, she is rested. Burn a cross on the Warner Bros. lawn, it’s cookout time!

2. CBS Studios, for that slap in the face of Southern law enforcement, Deputy Dawg.

It was bad enough to have that kind of patronizingly phoneticized name to deal with as a child, but how could an experienced Deputy Sherriff, who’s such a cultured Southern gentleman, constantly get out-foxed by some hippy little half-blind rodent like Vincent van Gopher?

3. Hanna-Barbera, for the Arkansas Chugabug with Luke and Blubber Bear.

Let’s see here. I guess if you be coming from anywhere South of New York City, well, you’ll jes be drivin’ top-speed away from the revenuers in your whisky-still-powered jalopy with your feet on the wheel. Oh, and not to mention we all drive while sitting reverse cowgirl on goddamn grizzly bears. So, we’ll just be hanging around here, whislting Dixie. On Hanna-Barbera’s skulls!