In the early days of computer gaming, most all games had a feature called the ‘Boss Key’. This was actually a stroke of genius for whoever it was that came up with it. Basically what it did was whenever you pressed a certain key, usually escape, it would instantly pause the game, turn off the sound, and replace the screen with a picture of productive work, for example a spreadsheet with generic figures and headings.

The purpose of this, of course, was for that moment when you realized the boss was coming, you could quickly hit escape, start looking thoughtfully back and forth between a piece of paper and the faux spreadsheet and saying things like, ‘looks good, looks good’ and the boss would be none the wiser that not only were you stealing the bread from his mouth so you could play F19 instead of doing the job you were getting paid to do, but you were smugly, intentionally playing him for the fool while doing it.

The Boss Key is just a fond memory, nowadays. I guess it’s because back then, computers capable of playing games were too expensive to be found in the home, so people just played games at work while the boss wasn’t looking. But nowadays, everybody’s got a honker of a computer at home, file-sharing software, and a broadband connection. What we need is a Wife Key. It would have the same function as the boss key, ideally. You could hit a keystroke combination, ctrl-alt-escape, for example, and that would instantly replace a screen full of midget porn and video sex-chats with, I don’t know, the sports page or whatever it is that’s also available on the web.

Or maybe it would be better the other way around. It would replace the 25 tabs of political blogs and stock quotes you constantly stare at with a full-screen video of Sylvia Saint (NOT safe for work, Kim) getting banged in every hole but the left nostril. At least then, your wife wouldn’t suspect you of being the sad, sexless husk of a man the Internet has made you. Just a thought.