Well, the Internet is ablink today with the news that Colin Powell, the beloved Secretary of State, will be ‘retiring’ in the first wave of the 2004 purges.  I hope his new assignment as Chief Supervisor at the Barron Point Surveillance Station and Health Spa will agree with him. 

As news organizations and 60 Minutes rack their brains to come up with a successor, I’d like to put a little bug in their ear.  I happened to be acquainted with one of the Great Communicators of our times; a man who can build bridges, and heal the wounds that the events of the last few years have caused, both for ourselves, and our allies.  I speak of none other than my good friend and mentor, Mr. James Taggart.

As an example of his diplomatic abilities, I’d like you to read the following exchange.  With a troubled mind, I had asked for his help in settling a dispute over the U.S.’s intentions in Iraq with a German colleague.  Mr. Müller (not his real name) wrote:

In World War II, it was all about the liberation of
Germany. Admittedly, it was liberation for the germans, but just
as a by-produkt. In 1941, there had been Nazis for quite a while,
as well as the concentration camps, but the Americans hadn’t jumped
into the mix; that they did only when the Germans and Japanese
declared war on them. Then they had to. But the goals of the war
were different: Quote from a brief to the American OB [not sure
what OB is, probably High Command], 1944: “Germany will not
be attacked with goal of liberation, rather as a defeated nation
in the interests of the Allies”

Who ever said that we “liberated”
Germany, I asked myself, or were even thinking about it? Germany wasn’t “occupied”
by the Nazis. They WERE the Nazis.  Mr. Taggart, the consummate diplomat, responded:

“You should quickly agree with the [German] about
the goal of WWII. Our goal, stated from the first, was to defeat
Hitler and the Nazis and dismantle their Third Reich. The fact
that when that was done Germany could again become a civilized
nation was just gravy. He can rest assured that if we had had
to kill every goose-stepping Jew-gassing Hitler-worshiping continent-raping
master-racist one of them to do it, there would be no German People
today, except perhaps in zoos!”

But there’s certainly more to diplomacy than just flowery words!  Mr. Taggart is also a man with solutions.  For example:

The Muslim Problem in Europe:

Seems like the Dutch have all of a sudden discovered they have a small
problem. And of course Chirac has been put on suicide watch because his
dear friend has passed away. Maybe the rest of Europe could deport all
of their muslims to France. Then instead of speaking German they could
learn to speak Arabic.

The Burial of Arafat

Well, he is apparantly truly dead this time! But I’ve got a stake to
put through his little heart, a fine oak tree to bury him under, and
some holy water to consecrate the ground with!

The Mending of the Trans-Atlantic Alliance

I have been really entertained with several news articles I’ve seen
about how all the various world leaders have sent Bush congrats, and how
several of them are saying they hope that now Bush will “work with them”
to “bridge our gaps” and such. They need to look at the election
results again, apparantly. Bush won, not them!

A man of integrity, sensitivity,  and nuance.  Send George Bush an email, suggesting Mr. James Taggart for Secretary of State!