What Really Pisses Me Off
Posted by in Living at 4:51 a.m. on June 18th, 200416 Comments 0 Pings
Bowing to the meme carried by Tim Blair, I submit to you three things that just chap my ass:
- Feng Shui (or any mysticism, for that matter)
- Kung Fu in movies
- James fucking Joyce
Jesus, I hate James fucking Joyce. What a simpering, worthless little twat. I think I’m going to file suit in my home state of Georgia to have his name legally changed to James Fucking Joyce. I hate that son of a bitch. I hear from someone or ‘nother that some little kiss-ass literary “New Yorker”-wannabe had a fucking “Ulysses Day” jack-fest this month, supposedly because it was the date that was portrayed in Ulysses, by James Fucking Joyce. One goddam day, 11,000 pages. If you need 11,000 pages to describe one fucking day, you need to find a job you’re good at.
Whatever happened to appreciation for elegance? James Fucking Joyce needed 150,000 pages to describe one fucking day. ONE! I could describe today in one word: Shit. I could also describe it in 1,500,000,000 words, just like J.F. Joyce. But it would just be the word “Shit” copied and pasted 1,500,000,000 times. I’ll spare you the suspense and the outrageous Amazon pre-order fees.
Fuck James Fucking Joyce, fuck the Wachowski Brothers for re-introducing Kung Fu in polite Gesellschaft, and fuck anybody who tells me I need to have a goddamn turtle in the northern corner of my yard if I want to be potent.
And, by the way, fuck the next person who tells me in a bar that belief in a supreme being betrays a diminutive intellect, grasping at the tiniest of hopes in order to bring meaning into an abjectly meaningless existence, and then flips out because I light my cigarette with a fucking candle, because, as we all know, lighting a cigarette with a candle is bad luck for sailors. Fuck sailors, and fuck you Paul, you pseudo-intellectual, self-aggrandizing sack of shit.
Did I leave anything out?
Comments
Rube
June 18, 2004 at 2:01 p.m.:Fuck goldfish. I used to have goldfish. If I'd even SUSPECTED that those little bastards were trying to pull any Feng Shui over on me, I'd've stopped being a vegetarian for about 5 minutes and smothered the little posers in ketchup and eaten 'em.
I'd do the same to any people who even suggested I put my aquarium in front of the house, just to appease the communist Feng Shui gods. Fuck em.
Velociworld
June 20, 2004 at 1 a.m.:<strong>A Thoughtful Nod</strong>
I am in total agreement with this sentiment. I'm also guessing Rube didn't participate in the Bloomsday festivities....
Andrea Harris
June 20, 2004 at 5:55 a.m.:I believe that Joyce did publish a work consisting of "shit" typed 1,500,000,000 times. It was called "Finnegan's Wake." (Okay, so he used some other words too, but believe me, they all added up to shit.)
Twisted Spinster
June 20, 2004 at 5:57 a.m.:<strong>By the way</strong>
James Joyce sucks. Oh yes she said yes she typed yes yes oh yes he did.
DaninVan
June 20, 2004 at 6:37 p.m.:Somebody's having a bad day and wouldn't you just know it, it's the longest day of the year.
Rube
June 20, 2004 at 7:04 p.m.:Believe me, DaninVan, it got better after I got it out of my system :-)
@Andrea: was Finnegan's Wake really only 1.5 x 10^9 words? I don't think I ever even got past the fawning-yet-somehow-masturbatory preface of that damn book. I bought it at a local bookstore, and it required a team of sturdy, bare-chested Austrian youth just to lug it to my car.
Andrea Harris
June 21, 2004 at 5:10 a.m.:I could be off by a few million years. I read somewhere or other that Joyce wrote it on a roll of toilet paper while sitting on the loo. He could have if European toilet paper was the industrial-grade sandpaper back then that it was in 1981 (the year I went to Europe and experienced their water closets).
Andrea Harris
June 21, 2004 at 5:11 a.m.:"Years..." I meant "words" of course. Though it could have just as well been years.
asher - Dreams Into Lightning
June 22, 2004 at 1:05 p.m.:Finally, James Joyce gets the tribute he deserves.
Patrick Brown
June 25, 2004 at 8:22 p.m.:Speaking as a psychologist now, and a person with many years of experience in such matters, it's clear to me from this outburst that you have a serious problem with sex. Think about it. James Fucking Joyce. James is a man's name. Joyce is a woman's name. Man fucking woman. That's what this is really all about, isn't it? It's always sex.
So what's the problem? Not getting any? You know what you need to do? You need to put a goddamn turtle in the northern corner of your yard. It'll make you potent. You'll get laid.
Rube
June 25, 2004 at 9:51 p.m.:Well, Dr. Brown, if you're through speaking as a psychologist, go ahead and start speaking as a guy who's fucking himself.
Goddamn fengshui-believin', Joyce-lovin' psychologist, sign me right up. C'mon, Little Rube, let's grab a six-pack of tiger penis-elixir, and a copy of "Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man" so I can finally see what a vagina looks like!
Nick B.
March 7, 2006 at 6:27 a.m.:I found you on google because i just got done reading a shit story by James Fucking Joyce, but I noticed that you hate his sentence structure, as if he is trying to impress like a New yorker wannabe, and I agreed, but then realized that you contradicted yourself with the statement:
"And, by the way, fuck the next person who tells me in a bar that belief in a supreme being betrays a diminutive intellect, grasping at the tiniest of hopes in order to bring meaning into an abjectly meaningless existence"
If you are upset with J.F. Joyce's snooty and "braggish" vocab selection, why try to bombard a simple thought or idea of your own with complex sentence structure and advanced vocabulary much like Joyce does? Maybe it's just my level of intellect, but I have a hard time understanding your point that you were trying to get across. Typically, don't atheists and agnostics assume that people who believe in superior beings have less complex thoughts, and use it as an explanation to prove meaningless existence? But you use the word diminutive, which means extemely small. It seems to me that this is the inverse of the common argument. Belief in a supreme being betrays a diminutive intellect--- Belief in a supreme being means that you do not have a small mind. Is this what you mean? I read it a few times, and it sounds like you are athiest, as am I, but I am still a little confused on the sentence following it. I think I get what you're saying though, after I tore it apart in this comment. Yes, I am almost positive that a bible toting freak came up to you and said that believing in god makes you smart and answers the question of existence, and you disagree with him. Am i correct?
Rube
March 7, 2006 at 12:06 p.m.:Nick B:
The complex sentence you mentioned is a quote from a self-aggrandizing sack of shit; it's not something I would write. So, next time you read a clause that starts with, "the next person that comes up to me and says...", it will generally be followed by either a quote or a paraphrasing of something someone would actually say.
The point of said quote was to juxtapose the aforementioned sack of shit's denial of God on intellectual grounds with his flipping out when I lit a cigarette with a candle, because it's bad luck for sailors. Get it? It's irony.
annika
June 18, 2004 at 1:20 p.m.:Theehee... ;-) Mein Artikel dazu wird bald kommen. But yes...:
Lebende Goldfische gelten im Feng Shui als Glcksbringer. Ihre Zahl muss ungerade sein. Am besten nimmt man acht goldene und einen schwarzen (gegen Einbrecher). Wenn einer der Fische stirbt, heit es, hat er das Unglck, das eigentlich fr einen Menschen im Haushalt bestimmt war, mit sich genommen. Er sollte sofort ersetzt werden. Das Aquarium sollte auf keinen Fall im Schlafzimmer, Bad oder in der Kche stehen, sondern nur im Wohnzimmer oder vor dem Haus; und bis zum Jahre 2003 am besten im Osten, Sdosten, Norden oder Sdwesten, und fr eine optimale Platzierung muss es auch eine bestimmte Ausrichtung zur Eingangstr haben, denn die Himmelsrichtungen sind im Feng Shui fr alles von entscheidender Bedeutung.